Let’s think of a relationship in terms of Attention.
The essence of a relationship – is directing one’s attention to a partner and accepting Attention from a partner throughout the relationship.
Each partner gives as much attention to the other partner and the relationship as they are comfortable with or as much as they can. It is important to accept this attention and notice it, as for the first time.
If you don’t give enough attention, the relationship will collapse. If you don’t accept the attention, the relationship will collapse. The amount of attention that needs to be given is individual. 100% of the attention that partners give us must be accepted, noticed and appreciated, since a Person’s Attention is the most valuable thing they have.
One of the biggest mistakes in a relationship that leads to suffering is when a partner desperately asks for attention.
I recently came across a situation where one person told another that if they wanted attention, they had to earn it. It’s true, that’s what we’ve been taught since childhood. If you want something, attract attention. It works the same way in society: this is how marketing works, this is how propaganda works. But in a relationship, everything is different. A real relationship, whether it’s between a man and a woman or between friends, is about deep interaction. It’s about freedom – the freedom to use your attention the way you want. Everyone decides for themselves how much attention they are willing to give to their partner, not at someone else’s request. Of course, honest conversation is important to get to know each other better. But the point is that giving attention should be a natural desire, not a requirement. And this should be clear to all participants of the relationship.
If a relationship is taken for granted, it will collapse or get worse.
Here is a good example: the relationship between children and parents. Do many parents think about the need not only to pay attention to children, but also to accept it from them? Or another example: a married couple who have been living together for a long time, but stop paying attention to each other, and their relationship begins to break down.
A perfect relationship requires allowing your partner to change, noticing their changes, and making the choice to stay in the relationship every day.
Everything develops and changes. Every new experience, new thoughts, every new day can have an impact on our perception of the world and the surrounding reality. We may give up our habits or addictions, or new hobbies may appear. Our interests may change. All organisms and systems change. Your partner can change as well. It’s crucial to allow them to change, not to keep them in thoughts of who they no longer are. This leads to suffering and to the destruction of relationships. It is possible to notice such changes when you really direct your Attention to your partner. It won’t work any other way.
The same applies to you. Your partner needs to notice and accept your changes so that you can continue to be in this relationship with them.
You may have noticed that you are uncomfortable communicating with old classmates or friends. This may happen because they perceive you not as who you are right now, but try to fit you into their idea, into their thoughts about who you are, into their idea of the world – this causes your discomfort. It works in any other relationship.
When we talk about a perfect relationship, we are talking about two self-sufficient individuals who are able to direct their attention to their partner without losing themselves.
One of the problems in relationships is people’s attempts to find their happiness in them. But that’s not possible.
You have to find your happiness within yourself. We need relationships for comfort, for greater pleasure, for living our lives to the fullest, because one of the meanings of our lives is to interact with each other and the world.
Is it possible? Definitely, yes. Have I seen a lot of this? No. Have I ever met such a thing? For sure. I am convinced that a perfect relationship is a real pleasure. And I won’t settle for less. Such relationships can not only be between a man and a woman, but also between friends, between children and parents, between a company and its employees.
Of course, it could also be that people just aren’t right for each other, in terms of the level of attention they’re willing to give as well. The relationship usually ends in such cases.
Once again, I will point out that a relationship is always two parties or more. Everyone involved in the relationship wants to be happy today and tomorrow. To create a perfect relationship, all participants must give attention and accept it. Depending on the type of relationship, attention may also mean different actions, but attention must necessarily be directed to the partner.
It is also important not to neglect yourself. If I give 100% of my attention to a relationship, I will stop paying attention to myself, I will stop feeling myself, I will stop managing my life, which means I will not live my life, which leads to suffering. A partner like this becomes uninteresting, and the relationship becomes dependent and unhealthy. It is no longer enjoyable for both participants involved. What’s the point of a troubled relationship? What’s the point of a relationship that makes you suffer? I am strongly against it, just as I am against suffering.
Most of our examples are related to suffering – movies and books often illustrate it. It is easier to control and manipulate people who are suffering, but relationships with self-sufficient people who don’t allow this to happen to them require effort.
I don’t know exactly how much attention should or can be given to a partner. It requires research to find a balance and maintain freedom in the relationship. Many factors can influence this, and it’s all very interesting and individual
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